It's too hard
So things happened. Last night's letter, the one that I said will never be sent somehow was delivered to it's respective recipient. Things just turned out that way. It happened. It happened so fast I couldnt even- Sighs. Now that he knows everything, it feels so- empty.
Had I known things would turn out this way, I would still pretend to be clueless. I would still deny everything. I'm grateful because I finally let everything out but- if this is the result of the confession, I'd rather go back to those times when you were just assuming. I'd rather keep everything inside and act like it's okay to stay the way we were. It hurts so much right now.
It feels like I'm losing you. Though we kind of resolved it and decided to stay friend, why does it feel like you're saying goodbye? Your last goodnight wish was so cold it hurt. Is that going to be your last text? Are you never gonna text me again?
I am not okay, mate. Not even close to being okay. This pain feels so surreal it's killing me slowly. I drown in my own tears every night. Thinking of you. I keep waiting for a notification displaying your name. I keep hoping for a moment where my phone will light up, showing your name. I hate it that things turn out this way. It's too awkward. Friends cant be awkward, mate.
I'm sorry I have feelings for you. It shouldnt happen. Because of my stupid feelings, I've ruined this newly built friendship. I seriously dont mind that my feelings are one-sided. I just- dont wanna lose you for good. I've had enough of friends leaving me.
I dont hate you. You have to know that. I know you want to avoid me because you think if you keep talking to me, you'll hurt me. No. Please dont do that. I know it's too awkward for you to text me first because you feel guilty for what has happened. You're afraid of giving me hopes without realising and then hurting me again. Please, stop worrying about that. It's my fault for having expectations. Just- please, talk to me. I miss you. Please dont avoid me for too long.
Goddamn, it's not like you're going to read this anyway. I'm talking to myself again. But whatever, that's the purpose of this blog anyway. Now that I've deactivated my twitter, I can only pour my heart out here. It's like a diary. A public one at that lol idc.
It's too hard, guys. Too hard for me to move on. Too hard for everything. Tears are my only companion for the time being. Sighs.
I'm tired. But I'll still-
Wait for you.